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Food Spoilage Tests For
Bachelors
THE GAG TEST:
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked
for yourself last night).
EGGS:
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably
past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS:
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it
starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts
to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway
and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled
when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that
kind.
MAYONNAISE:
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS:
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in
your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the
time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES:
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food
so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar
in your kitchen.
MEAT:
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius
to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD:
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots"
that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking
white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned
into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR:
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT:
It never spoils.
LETTUCE:
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable
crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS:
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be
disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS:
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS:
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES:
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP:
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone
bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS:
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it
only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS:
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware
along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp
when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep
a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
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