A stock market report for today: Empire hemlines are up, 7 Up is down, International Harvestor is stable, and Pampers remain unchanged.

Heard on the news that two thousand pounds of human hair fell off a passing truck on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and blocked the roadway today. State Police are still combing the area.

When NASA puts 20 head of cattle into outer space, it will be the first herd shot around the world.

When a gas-stove explosion rocked the Cranston home last week, it blew Mr. and Mrs. Cranston through the front door and out onto the street. Neighbors report that this was the first time the Cranston's have gone out together in 15 years.

My jokes are so fresh today because I found them to use in a Tupperware container.