THE LIBERAL VIRUS Before deleting all your files, this virus tells you that: "You don't need them anyway and they wouldn't want to be burdened with such overwhelming responsibilities as file maintenance."

AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack -- once if by LAN, twice if by C:\

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

AIRLINE VIRUS You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

SEARS VIRUS Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS Sings you a song (slightly off-key) on boot-up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.