Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots...and I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Keep honking...I'm reloading.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car.

MONTANA: At least the cows are sane.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Always remember you're unique just like everyone else.